My Devotional Visit to My Father's Grave

I went to Bangka on last May 1, 2004. I actually already had this desire for years. Suddenly my father called me and told me that he would go there for attending the wedding ceremony of one of my uncles. I didn’t have enough budgets for this May, but I got one holiday on 3rd of May, which I had to make use. So, it’s the right time, I thought. My first purpose was making a devotional visit to my father’s grave. A promise I kept in my mind. It had to be Allah’s bless that exactly 24 years after his death, I would make it. As I said previously, I didn’t have budget, but I believed that I would get my sales commission this month, that I finally found a way to finance my trip.

Upon my mother’s approval, I asked my uncle who works for Merpati Airlines to book a return flight ticket, as my grandfather would only pay 25%. We decided to go there together. I tendered an official leave to my boss 4 days before my departure date, but he did not sign it by the departure day. It was Saturday and I work half working day on Saturdays. As I had to pick up my father in Kemayoran, I asked my boss to allow me leave the office earlier at 10:00, as well as asked him to sign the letter of m official leave. He seemed not to completely permit me. It’s damned difficult to ask only one-day leave to him. He said that I had to prepare for the weekly production schedule, and I had done it. He asked about tooling cost, and I had prepared it for him. He asked me to make report for the President Director, and I had done it before he requested me. He apparently lost his excuses that would make me consider my decision. ‘Sorry, boss! I have already booked the tickets. Hahaha…’ Guess! He didn’t know where Bangka is (no wonder). Fortunately, I had a map that I was able to show where it is. Settled. And he then asked me not to take even another one-day off. One holiday on Monday had to be enough, he said. And of course, I found a good answer. Our buyers were in holiday from May 1 – 7, 2004. So, it’s a perfect schedule, wasn’t it? He finally signed my letter. Great! Otherwise, I would just ‘escape’ on Tuesday (Was it not a bad idea?).

I left the office at 10:15 and went to Kemayoran to pick up my grandfather. I only brought several clothes, but when I arrived there, my aunt wanted to accompany him. There were more luggage than I thought. I hated it. You know, I didn’t like to bring unnecessary things with me during traveling. You know what kind of person I am, don’t you?

From there, we went to the airport by taxi. My aunt and I relied on my grandfather who often goes by plane. Guess! I thought he knew well the departure gate. We brought luggage and found out that he went to the wrong direction; to the arrival gate. Kkkkk…. We were too early and the plane was late for around an hour and a quarter. I didn’t grumble because I considered it as an adventure. If it had been a business trip, I would have screamed hahaha….The plane should have taken off at 16:00, but it has just arrived at 17:15. Well, forget about the delayed flight schedule. Boarding on the plane and fastening my seatbelt excited me. It was my very first flight after I experienced several times during my early ages. Something that led me gazed into my past. And it seemed that I said to myself, ’I am coming’. It’s ridiculous hahaha…I didn’t remember how it had really felt to fly when I was a child. I just then felt that my ears were painful while the plane was landing. But it didn’t take very long. The flight took around an hour from Soekarno-Hatta Airport to Depari Amir, Pangkalpinang. At 18:15, I stepped my feet on an island where I was born: a place where I began to trace a part of my past and to try to retain some memories which I might keep in my under consciousness for years.

But I suddenly woke up from my ‘contemplation’. I was soon back to the reality. We had a problem of how to get to Belinyu, a district where I was born. I quarreled with my grandfather because when we were still in Jakarta, I offered him a help to contact our relatives to pick up us. But later I found out that none was there. Not because they didn’t want, but rather my grandfather didn’t asked them. As it was getting darker, we decided to rent a car to get there. Guess! Extra budget hahaha…But I had no choice. Otherwise, we had to wait till the next morning in the airport. If I had been with my brother, I could do such. But I was with my grandfather and my aunt of 31-years old who depended upon me. I just found out that it’s really difficult to find public transportation to Belinyu when night comes. It’s just different from what my uncle said that there would be no problem with public transportation. Or I was the one who forgot that it’s totally different from Jakarta hahaha…’Okay, okay, I am in adventure’, I tried to console myself. Fortunately, there’re ATMs in the city. Otherwise, I would be dying. hehehe…just kidding. Really! I could be running out of my cash.

It took around 2 hours from Pangkalpinang to Belinyu. The roads were so quiet and dark. Strangely, I didn’t feel fearful of this situation. I felt safe. So different from ours here. I arrived at the house of one of our relatives at 20:30. It’s actually not easy to find it. We relied on my grandfather who had been there several times. I thought we would be okay. And….he forgot a while and made us get lost to the wrong direction. It was fortunate that Belinyu is such a small capital of district that we immediately found the right path hehehe…

Arriving at one of my grandmother’s (not my direct ancestor) house made me feel familiar. We hadn’t met each other for more than 20 years. Some have changed and some others seemed to remain the same. I just felt familiar with them who knew my childhood and with the surroundings. We shared our ‘lost stories’ till 23:00. I spent the night in that house.

I woke up the next morning and breathed the fresh air I had ever breathed 24 years ago. I began to remember each of some memories of the places. When I crossed the street, I played in the school, and played around the house. I knew I had been there once. And I was there once again. I was in the place I had been longing for. It’s exciting to realize I made it true. It was touching to know that some of my past remained there. It’s worth shading my tears. It was a happiness to understand why Allah let me be there again. Because I am still part of it.

Sunday, May 2, 2004, around 09:00. My grandfather and I started to visit our relatives. One of them was a family whom I know better than the others because once we met them in Jogja because their son and daughter studied in the city. Once my mom and I attended their son’s wedding party in Jogja.

In the afternoon, I went to my father’s grave with one of my cousins. She’s older than me that I prefer to call her as my elder sister. I don’t care such calling hehehe….I rode a motorbike belongs to her elder brother. It only has rear brake, but I didn’t know why suddenly I had a courage to overcome my fear of ‘imperfect brake system.’ Had I told you about my traumatic experience I had while I was in KKN, i.e. I had an accident because my friend’s motorbike had poor function of brake? Well, she showed me the grave. Do you want to know what ‘I said to him?’ “Father, I am here now. To visit your grave. I am sorry for not being able to be here periodically, but I believed that wherever I pray for you, Allah will listen.” I had imagined that I would have shed my tears before my father’s grave, but I didn’t because I know I was there to pray, not to cry. Frankly speaking, I had a kind of blank feeling, how I can say, I did have a word to express. I just felt a certain kind of atmosphere at that time. I didn’t understand exactly. I was just there. Isn’t it too philosophical? Forget it! It’s difficult to describe.

From the grave, I went to Belinyu seaport. There’s usually a vessel once a week or 2 weeks from Jakarta. My cousin showed me the river which reminded me of a part of my childhood. Well, I wasn’t sure if it has the river I had used to know before. Just felt familiar with it. Oh, God! I might merely mix up my past and present. It reminded me of a river with calm current and clean water, and its wooden bridge. Or I was just too imaginative? Back to seaport, I could see an offshore tin mining. Long time ago I had planned to be there by vessel and returned by plane, but seemingly I had no much time to take longer vacation.

I spend the second night at my cousin’s house. We shared our stories. She told me the stories of how the local people think, of its current economic problem, of its social and cultural shifts, particularly after it belongs to a new province. It enriched my insights. Usual issue of remote areas. The next morning, I went to a traditional market with her and bought some snacks to bring with me when I returned to Bogor. In the afternoon, we went to a white-sanded beach in which we looked for seashells. It has twin gates of natural stones, but unluckily I was unable to take picture there because I had a problem with the camera. It didn’t work out even though it had been easily operated the day before. My cousin said that I should have not taken the photo of the twin gate at the arrival part. It should be on the other point of view. The local people said the gate as the gate of lovers. Do you believe in such superstition? It was really quiet there..and looked ‘wild’. To get there, it took half an hour of relatively medium speed. I wish I could show you the pics. Guess! While we were riding back home, it rained heavily. I have never ridden a motorbike in such condition. One trip took 30kms of sinuous roads. Riding under the hard rain was really crazy hahaha….

I spent the third night at the same house I had spent the first one. But I took some time to visit my other relatives again and fortunately I had my camera fixed that I could take their photos which I will show to my mother. I will show how our relatives look like now. Well, some of them once visited my mother.

On May 4, 2004 morning, I prepared my return. I returned alone, because my grandfather and aunt wanted to stay there until the wedding took place. Because it’s difficult to use public transportation to the airport, I decided to join a travel agency who took their passengers to the same airport. I left Belinyu around 08:00 and arrived at the airport at 11:00. Just imagine! I had to wait for the flight which was scheduled at 17:30. I entrusted my luggage to a travel agent there. First, honestly I was worried that he would do something bad, but till I departed, every bag remained the same. It was exhausting, but I didn’t mind. But I got furious when it was announced that the plane would be late and the schedule was delayed. I used the same aviators, and found the delayed schedule. Rggghh! I was worried that I would not be able to catch DAMRI Bogor which would take me to Gunung Putri. I was really afraid if I missed the last bus. None picked me up and I could be in confusion. Oops! I might need to hire a taxi. But I didn’t, because finally I could catch the last bus to Bogor. Thanks God! ‘I am coming home…..’